I cannot believe that it's been over 3 months since I have posted. Of course, why should that surprise me? Looking over this blog with it's 6 whole posts, I'm hitting it about every 3 months! So, I've developed a track record. Yippee. At least I'm consistent.
What's new, what's new?
Grandpa is still with us. We have had moments of bliss where we thought he was going to rally. Even though his prognosis was imminent death, we thought he would die strong; if that makes any sense. Although he has finished his 4 rounds of chemotherapy and radiation and knocked back the tumors, he's wasting away before our very eyes. My feeling is that his general health has declined not so much because of the cancer but because of his malnutrition. He does not want to eat as food tastes like dirt. I almost cannot blame him. Through all of this, even though I can surmise what may be best for him; i.e. not smoking anymore, eating well balanced meals, getting rest, I am not him. I'm not the patient sitting there with regrets wondering what will happen at the end of my life. I'm not the one who has to watch my wife watch me slowly fade away.
It is absolutely heart breaking. I'm the only grandchild and very close to my extended family on my mother's side. So, I feel like I experience the pain more than maybe most grandchildren. Perhaps that is presumptious on my part. For those of you who are grandchildren who have watched their grandparents die, I humbly apologize if I am discounting the pain you felt.
In my eyes, my grandfather was invinsible. I know he smoked and drank rather large quantities. However, ironically, I truly believed that it would never catch up to him. He was larger than life in my eyes, especially growing up. He used to weight lift and studied Karate. He played the classical guitar with such skill that one's ears would stand at attention ready to be dazzled. Just 6 years ago he helped my husband and I move. He was strong. He was brilliant. Although, I do not think he even graduated high school, he was one of THE most well read individuals among my acquaintance. His vocabulary was expansive. Now he cannot even finish a sentence from memory loss due to the cancer, chemotherapy, and radiation.
My grandmother has finally called hospice. I'm hoping they can bring comfort to my grandmother and quality to my grandfather's last days. Because let's face it, in all likelihood, these are his last days. And all I can think of over and over and over again is where will he spend eternity? Has he made peace with his God?
He is a special man, full of special qualities and I have had the rare privilege of knowing a truly gifted person.
